A mess of pottage

Here's dear 'ol dad sitting at the 72d Expeditionary Signal

Battalion Staff Duty desk. This is exactly what I do.

Sonny boy,

Today, Sunday, you were sick and I wasn't there to help take care of you. And, for that, I am sorry. There are going to be a lot of times where, through no fault of my own, I'm not going to be there for you. But this was not one of those times. I could have been there with you. I could have been there to rub your back, or make you soup, or read you stories. This was completely my fault, this is one of those times that mattered, and now I'm wracked with guilt and disappointment.

Before I tell you exactly what I did, I want to let you know about something that is important to me. And to illustrate it, I'm going to use this quote from the Bible: "Greater love hath no man that this, that a man lay down his life for his friends (John 15:13)." This scripture means a lot to me because it helps me remember that when we love something enough, it's only natural that we feel willing to make sacrifices for it.

Life is not about balance, it's about priorities. It's about making hard choices and learning to be happy with the outcome. Don't listen to the hogwash about finding balance -- it doesn't exist. Instead, find the courage to let go of the seemingly important for the sake of the truly consequential.

I traded time with you for $70.

There's this this thing the Army has, it's called "staff duty." Basically, it's a 24-hour desk for the unit. 98% of the time, nothing happens. It's mean for emergencies, reception, random tasks, etc. It's something that junior officers take turns doing.

Well, here's the rub -- when you have duty, it's for 24-hours straight. A lot of times, when people don't want to do their duties, especially if their turn happens to fall on a weekend, they'll pay someone to do their duty for them. That's where I come in.

In the past six months, I've probably taken on an extra eight staff duties. I don't know why, but it hasn't been worth it. Most of the time I don't think you kids even notice it -- at least that's what I tell myself. I figure that whether I'm home you'd still be doing the same thing. You'd still be running around, you'd still be teasing your sisters, and you'd still be annoying your momma.

And, if you weren't going to notice, I might as well make some easy cash, pay down some debt faster, save-up for the next birthday party, etc.

Instead, today, while I was home for lunch I witnessed you puking all over the couch. I watched your momma rush to clean it up. I was in a hurry to eat and get back to work. You know, to sit on the couch seen in the picture above. While I was home, Abby ran to me and wanted me to pick her up. She had the biggest grin on her face. She was happy to see me, but I had to run and get back to work.

While you were screaming, upset that you had just barfed all over the couch, I only had enough time to pat you on the back and tell you everything was going to be okay.

There are times when I won't be able to avoid it. I have a career and sometimes that means I won't be there. I know you won't understand it, but you will later. But it's times like this, where I traded away time with you and the family for something trivial -- that's where I've failed.

Overall, this is a rather depressing post -- especially for a first post. But I'm not going to do it anymore. Work it important, but staff duty is not important. You're more important than staff duty.